Your UCAS form was full of lies,
You didn't win the English Prize,
You never worked all summer as a volunteer,
Your Grade 8 flute did not exist,
You never read New Scientist,
But that doesn't matter for your chosen career.
You gotta be, you gotta be white,
You gotta be posh,
You gotta play rugby.

And if you're a girl,
You gotta be hideously ugly,
You gotta drink beer,
You gotta be arrogant wankers,
All I know is that's how you're all here today.